Literally Charmed
by Jake1
Summary: What if the continual errors and continuity mistakes were literal?


A/N: I don't own anyone, thing or lollipop mentioned in this fic. It was written for humor and if you feel the need to flame me after reading this, then get a life, won't you?  
  
Literally Charmed  
  
Piper sat at the kitchen table, yawning lazily as she thumbed through a magazine. Paige stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.  
  
"Piper," she whined. "There's no food anywhere...you're supposed to be the chef!"  
  
Piper scoffed and dismissed her youngest sister. "I don't cook anymore, Paige. I mean...when was the last time I cooked food? Even I don't remember. It's just potions, potions, potions." She lifted her head up and suggested brightly, "hey, want some potions for breakfast?"  
  
"No thanks," Paige groused, making her way over to the refrigerator. "What time is it anyway?"  
  
"Nine thirty," Piper responded, not lifting her gaze from the magazine. "Say...aren't you supposed to be at work by now?"  
  
"Pffft," Paige chuckled. "Since I've met up with y'all, I've walked out four times in the middle of the day, slacked off, been late countless number of times and cause many disturbances. What's one more late arrival going to do?"  
  
Piper shrugged, "Couldn't care." A thoughtful glance spread upon her face. "Wait! I do care! I have innocents to save!" Off of Paige's confused glance, she informed her with a matter-of-fact tone, "I love being a witch."  
  
"But," Paige started. "Yesterday you threatened to squeeze Leo's orbs until he took you up to the Elders and remove your powers because you were god damned sick of being a witch."  
  
"What's in the past is in the past," Piper responded happily. Then she sat down, despondently. "Past. Prue." She put her head in her hands and began sobbing. "Prue!"  
  
"My God, Piper..." Paige replied exasperated. "Cut it out!" Just then Piper rushed to the counter and grabbed the sciccors, and began cutting furiously out of her magazine. "Damn," Paige exhaled, looking at her oldest sister. "I screwed up a spell...again!"  
  
Piper stopped as Leo and Cole stumbled out of the basement with linked arms, laughing. Piper looked at them, eyebrows raised. Paige closed the door to the refrigerator and surpressed her giggle. Cole was wearing a shirt that was inside out, his pants were unzipped. Leo was shirtless, carrying his now ripped flannel shirt and had his pants barely on. Both of them had sweaty faces, flushed cheeks and big grins.  
  
"Well hello my husband who has been away for three days," Piper grinned sarcastically, waiting for an explanation.  
  
"Oh..yeah," Leo fumbled, flashing a nervous smile at Piper. "I was just...I got home late last night and found Cole awake and so...uh, we did some male bonding."  
  
"Yes," Cole said, nodding. "Male bonding."  
  
Paige burst out in laughter. "I bet you bonded alright," she giggled. Piper spun around glaring at Paige. She then turned back around.  
  
"Since when does male bonding include holding hands?" Piper sweetly asked, cocking her head to one side. Leo and Cole quickly let go of each other's hands and unlinked their arms, Leo dropping his flannel in the process.  
  
"Piper," he started, walking over to her. However, before he could make it four steps, he stepped on his flannel, his foot getting caught in between a ripped part of it and tripped, landing on the ground painfully.  
  
Before anyone could respond, they all heard a blood-curdling scream come from upstairs.  
  
Piper, Paige and Cole immediately ran from the kitchen as Leo collected himself off the ground, zipping his pants. He threw on his flannel shirt as he orbed from the room. He orbed onto the stairs, not knowing everyone else was still ascending them. As Paige and Piper noticed the blue sparkles of orbs, they quickly darted to the side, out of his way. Leo became solid again, however, he materlized on the edge of a step, causing him to fall down, taking Cole down with him. The two of 'em toppled down the stairs and stopped as they landed on the landing, Leo straddling Cole.  
  
"Me-ow," Cole winked at Leo, his hands resting on Leo's legs. They broke out of their reverie at Piper's loud clearing of her throat.  
  
"Come ON!" she shouted, agitatedly. "Phoebe could be in trouble!"  
  
Cole blinked and in a quick second, threw Leo off of him like a rag doll. "Phoebe!" He raced up the stairs with Piper and Paige.  
  
Leo sat up and pouted at Cole's dismissal of him. "That was mean!" he shouted, orbing away.  
  
As Leo orbed into Phoebe's room, he found her crying in the middle of her floor. "What's going on?" Piper paitently inquired her sobbing sister, brushing strands of blonde hair out of Phoebe's face.  
  
"I-I..." Phoebe managed to get out. "I feel so CLUELESS!"  
  
"How's that?" Paige asked, screwing up her nose in wonder.  
  
"How old am I?!" Phoebe screamed. "26? 27? 28? When's my birthday? Did I REALLY go to college? What did I major in? Why can't I get a job? For the love of God, WHY!?"  
  
Piper's hand flew up to her mouth as she sat down next to her sister. "Oh my God. How old am I? When's MY birthday?" She looked in her hand to find her glasses in them. "Where the hell did THESE come from!?"  
  
Paige giggled. "I'm 25. I was born on August 2nd, 1976." She made a seat next to Phoebe and smiled happily. "I lost my parents when I was young and I was adopted. I was an independent person, because that's what life forced me to be. But since I became a Halliwell, I had to become a screw up." As she spoke those words, everything that was been held together by a screw collapsed.  
  
"What the hell?" Leo asked, looking around the room.  
  
"Aw, damn. I've got to take this literal spell off of me," Paige grumbled, taking a lollipop out of nowhere and plucking it in her mouth. "I love lollipops. They enhance my sexuality."  
  
Phoebe stopped sniffling at that point and turned to Paige. "Oh, honey. They don't. They're very messy when they actually work."  
  
"Not anymore," Paige grinned. "With my newfound power, I merely just orb my lollipop away to the waste basket."  
  
"Oh, you still have telekinetic orbing?" Piper asked, drying tears. "I thought you lost that and got orbing."  
  
"Didn't she have telekinesis at one point?" Phoebe queried.  
  
Cole leaned against the wall agitated. "Who knows...who cares." Phoebe smiled at him and waved. Then she caught a look at Leo, his flannel shirt still open.  
  
"Ohhhh....Leeeooo..." Phoebe gasped, grabbing Paige and Piper's arms for support. "Leeeeo, how are you today?" She got herself to her feet and advanced toward him. "My, my, how hot you are!"  
  
"Hey!" Cole broke in, walking over. "He's mine!"  
  
"Not if I have anything to say about it," Phoebe grinned seductively. She blinked and turned her gaze back to Cole and curiously asked him, "hey...Cole...where did that five o' clock shadow come from?"  
  
"Who knows?" Cole shrugged. He pointed at Phoebe's hair, saying, "you're a brunette again."  
  
"Cole," Phoebe gasped. "I love you...but I can't be with you."  
  
"Dammit, Phoebe! I love you."  
  
"Oh, Cole! Let's get back together."  
  
"No...it's too dangerous."  
  
"Cole, I love you!"  
  
"Okay, Phoebe. Let's get married."  
  
"No! I can't be with you!"  
  
Just then, Penny sauntered in with a much alive man escorting her, giggling. She abruptly stopped, seeing everyone standing in the room. "Oh!" she yelped, upon making eye contact. "What are the lot of you doing here?"  
  
"Grams?" Piper incredulously spoke up.  
  
"Piper!" Leo said, seemingly surprised. "You are still here."  
  
"Yes, LEO." Piper snarled, "I'm still here, being ignored."  
  
"Grams, did you get coloring in your hair?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"Hey!" Grams defensively replied. "You all aren't the only Halliwells to get hair changes around here."  
  
"What are you doing with that mortal?" Paige asked, producing yet another lollipop.  
  
"We're just going to have some fun," Grams giggled, smiling at the man.  
  
"Ew!" Phoebe shouted. "On my bed?!"  
  
"Oh hush," Grams dismissively said. "Not like the bed is a stranger to that concept. Besides, ever since I learned that mortals could suddenly see ghosts, I figured I'd have some good times."  
  
"This isn't happening!" Piper said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Piper?" Cole asked. "You're st-"  
  
"YES!" she screamed. "I! AM! STILL! HERE!"  
  
Suddenly Phoebe screamed again. "Oh my God!"  
  
"What?!" Paige exclaimed, visibly startled.  
  
"I got a new power!" Phoebe replied.  
  
"What is it?" Grams eagerly inquired.  
  
"Premonitions!" Phoebe said, smiling big.  
  
"Phoebe," Piper groaned. "You've always had premonitions. You've just haven't gotten any lately."  
  
"Yes I have!" Phoebe defensively replied.  
  
Piper rolled her eyes. "I mean premonitions, you blonde!"  
  
"I'm blonde again?" Phoebe asked, running over to a mirror.  
  
"What was the premonition about?" Cole asked, crossing his arms. He looked over at where Leo was to find he wasn't there. Frowning he looked around, finding Leo was next to him. He jumped, but didn't scream. "What the..." he whispered.  
  
"I love you!" Leo mouthed at him, winking.  
  
"I had a premonition of one of us dying!" Phoebe shouted. As she spoke those words, a loud noise was heard from the hall.  
  
"Move it bastard!"  
  
"Oww, your spear is poking me in the ass!"  
  
"Damn, that fire is hot!"  
  
Everyone gazed out in the hallway, finding the Soul Ferrier, the Angel of Death and Yahma fighting each other in a struggle to get to the Charmed Ones.  
  
"Who's them?" Paige asked, sucking on her lollipop.  
  
"Don't ask," Piper growled, rubbing her temples.  
  
"Piper?" Grams asked, looking up. "Where are you?"  
  
"Woo!" Leo shouted, out of view. "Cole, you dirty man..."  
  
Phoebe suddenly broke into tears again. "I JUST WANT SOME CONTINUITY IN MY LIFE!!"  
  
--As we all do!!—  
  
The End 


End file.
